Responding to a dramatic personal struggle shared on social media — to which over 6,500 people have already reacted — a New York City-based expert shared advice for the parents of young adults who are living on their own and trying to establish their own identities.
“All parents struggle when their children declare their independence,” Erica Komisar, New York-based psychoanalyst, parenting authority and author, told Fox News Digital over the weekend.
For young people in this situation, “the key is to acknowledge your parents’ sadness, embrace and express gratitude to your parents for what they have given to you — then set a boundary about how you are different from them,” she said.
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She was responding to the story of a 30-year-old man who shared with others on social media that he’s been “fairly successful thus far” in his life and that his parents have been “a huge part of my success” — but that he’s ready to live the way he’d like to live, without interference, criticism or edicts from them.
“They kept me motivated through school, they gave me a great childhood, they helped me graduate debt-free,” the young man wrote (he did not share his location).
Without the help of his parents, one young man said, “who knows where I’d be.” Calling himself “a nepo kid,” he also said he’s now done with listening to their criticisms of his life. “I’m not a bad person or anything,” he said. (iStock)
He added, “My mom’s contacts helped me land a well-paying job straight out of university. I’m a nepo kid. Without them, who knows where I’d be.”
However, he added, “they think this gives them carte blanche to interfere in my life. They constantly critique everything about my life. I cannot think of one aspect of my life they approve of. And I’m not a bad person or anything.”
“They kept saying they wanted better for me. And that after everything they did for me, I should be doing better.”
Added the Reddit user by the name of “short-fig7734” on the subreddit known as “AITA” (“Am I the a–hole”), “It’s not like they have a problem with me because I am a drug addict or working as a sugar baby. They just think they know better about everything.”
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Recently, the young man continued, he had his parents over to his place “for my dad’s birthday. And everything was wrong. My apartment was too small, the stove didn’t have precise control of the heating elements and I scorched the sauce.”
He continued, “Just everything. And they kept saying they wanted better for me. And that after everything they did for me, I should be doing better.”
“They think I have failed, so I’m giving them a refund,” a man wrote on social media. “I told them that I loved them and that I appreciated their help, but now that they were paid back, they could keep their opinions to themselves.” (iStock)
Wrote the son further, “Well, I’m doing well. And because I live the way I do, I’ve actually done fantastic for the last eight years.”
He made clear he’d had enough of the personal criticism — and was ready to move on.
“So I wrote them a big check and asked them to hold it up. I took a picture of them with the check. They asked what it was for.”
“I just want them to accept that I don’t owe it to them to live my life how they want.”
He told his parents, he said, “that it was everything they had wasted on me, since obviously they think I have failed, so I’m giving them a refund. I told them that I loved them and that I appreciated their help, but now that they were paid back, they could keep their opinions to themselves and [be] out of my apartment.”
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Added the man, “They got huffy and left. I heard from my brother that they are pissed that I did that.”
But “I don’t really care,” he told others. “I just want them to accept that I don’t owe it to them to live my life how they want.”
The man said as well, “Sending them a check is like sending everything back that they have given.”
“When they criticize you,” said a psychoanalyst based in New York City, “you can remind them that your version of happiness is different than theirs.” (AP Photo/Nam Y. Huh, File)
Komisar of New York City added about the challenging situation. “The key is integration.”
She essentially advised him or others in a similar situation to show grace rather than hold grudges — to be respectful and polite, not petulant, while at the same time being firm and fair.
You can “show and tell them,” she said, “the good you have taken and gently but firmly tell them what makes you an individual.”
“There’s nothing wrong in setting boundaries or expecting to be treated with respect and kindness as an adult.”
Added Komisar, “That means when they criticize you, you can remind them that your version of happiness is different than theirs — but that you are, in fact, happy.”
Some 6,700 or so people registered a reaction to the personal story, with one person writing in the comments section, “If your parents were actually supportive and loving, they would encourage you instead of criticizing. It’s great that they helped you growing up — but that’s actually what parents are supposed to do.”
Said this same commenter, called “savinathewhite,” “There’s nothing wrong in setting boundaries or expecting to be treated with respect and kindness as an adult.”
Some 6,700 or so people registered a reaction to the personal story, with one person writing in the comments section on Reddit, “If your parents were supportive and loving, they would encourage you instead of criticizing.” (iStock)
She added, “Writing them a check was an inventive way of trying to point out their negative behavior. I’m not sure it will work to make them understand how their actions aren’t reasonable or kind, but it was a better option than losing your temper!”
She also said, “Keep your boundaries, live your best life, and if your parents want to be a part of it, they can learn” to treat him better, she added to the original poster.
Other users on Reddit generally deemed the young man “not the a–hole” for the way he handled the situation.
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But one commenter went “against the grain here,” by his own admission, in his response to the personal situation.
Wrote this individual, “It doesn’t sound like at 30 years old you have ever tried to address this? As you say, they were good parents.”
“One attempt at an adult conversation was warranted.”
The commenter named “BigMax” went on, “I think maybe one conversation to try to get them to see what they were doing might have been in order. Who knows, maybe they would have seen the error of their ways and worked to be better.”
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The person also added, “Refusing to communicate and making a huge gesture and cutting them off seems kind of sudden.”
He ended his thoughts by saying, “They were certainly in the wrong here! But one attempt at an adult conversation was warranted.”
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