I found the request so hurtful and tone-deaf that I have yet to respond. It’s not that I’m so attached to it that I can’t give it up, or that it’s worth a lot of money. (It’s not.) I am not like that about my possessions. It’s that I feel as if she has permanently broken something in our friendship by making this request. I feel boxed in: If I say I want to keep the lamp, that will end our friendship, and if I send it back, I know that will end it as well. How do I handle this?
Not My Real Name: You make some valid points.
None of which erases the fact that if you end this “close” friendship, you’ll have ended it for a lamp.
I suggest you don’t do this.
I suggest instead that you accept her offer to hire a company to retrieve it for her, then give it no further thought.
Someone who reaches back (at some expense) for a lamp of little monetary value that she surrendered 10 years ago must have her reasons. You don’t have to understand, agree with, care about or even know these reasons to say, “I guess she has her reasons,” and buy yourself a new lamp. Because whatever the reason is, it’s not that she decided she doesn’t like you, wants to hurt you and believes her old lamp is the exact way to express that.
Sometimes I think friendships work like those sports where they throw out the highest and lowest scores and judge performance based on the middle. But maybe that’s just me being weird.
If it makes you feel any better, had your friend asked me whether to ask you for the lamp back, I would have advised her against it. Because it’s not hers anymore, and, seriously?
But that just means no one on any side of a friendship vs. lamp issue would get a “Team Lamp” answer from me.
Dear Carolyn: Our daughter and son-in-law were invited to stay at our home. Only our daughter came. She mentioned that her husband had daily meetings and did not explain further. I assumed they were business meetings.
While I was not present, she told my husband they were AA meetings. She purposely neglected to tell me about it, for which I am hurt and feel shut out of her life. Although I have tried to forgive and forget, it seems I cannot. Any suggestions?
Anonymous: You’re focused on what your daughter did to exclude you, not what you did to be excluded — which tells me the latter is exactly where your attention belongs right now.
And on this couple, who need your love and support, not your beef.
So think about what qualities people look for in a trusted confidant. Then think what you can do differently, do better, do more, do less, to nurture those qualities in yourself.
Even if your daughter’s choice wasn’t about you personally, you’ll emerge better for having asked more of yourself.
