Bean Counting: It’s natural to be angry. He had a simple, important job, and he didn’t do it.
But blowing up isn’t the only option for anger; it’s just the worst. You can instead wait a bit till you’re calmer, look at the context and figure out why you’re so angry and (possibly) why this happened.
If you have enough information to suggest this was an isolated lapse, you can accept the apology and drop it.
If you don’t or can’t, then you can talk about it in a measured way, when you’re ready to. Including to say why you’re not willing to let it drop: “I’ve gone over and over it in my mind, and I don’t understand, and I want to understand. It feels like a default assumption that I’ll take care of it.”
And if there are feelings of long standing around this that it’s time to articulate (vs. blast him with), then do that: “If it were just this, I’d drop it, but it’s constant. I’m tired and frustrated.”
If it’s even a little bit possible he’s dropping stuff because he’s struggling himself, then: “Are you okay? My frustration is real, but I’m also concerned. You’re a capable person.”
And finally, if you’re always getting “a lame excuse and a terse apology” these days, then it’s time to explore why he might be shutting down. Obviously an adult uses words and courage to talk to a partner about any unhappiness between them, but “shoulds” are resentment traps. If needed, open the topic yourself.
This may also be an opportunity here to reallocate family responsibilities clearly based on what each of you is (and isn’t) good at.
Lots of possibilities here.
Dear Carolyn: A family member scheduled a wedding in Europe for next year. Then they got married in secret and went on a honeymoon this year. What is the protocol? Does everyone still have to spend thousands of dollars to go to wedding No. 2? Just immediate family? Cousins? Is this deceptive and not right for them to invite everyone to the public but redundant wedding without being aboveboard that they are already married?
Family: Do you want to go? Then go. Do you not want to go? Then don’t go. That’s the protocol. No need to figure out the meaning or implications of whatever they’re doing on their side of the line.
And no one ever “[has] to spend thousands of dollars” to go to a wedding, regardless of context. Huffy rhetoric doesn’t help your case.
Re: Wedding: I agree with Carolyn. And I know many, many couples opting for small, semi-secret courthouse weddings, with the big celebration later.
Anonymous: Yes, thanks. Reasons include insurance, housing, finances, romance, covid variables, a terminal relative, more others than I can possibly think of, all under the umbrella of “no one’s business but the couple’s.”
