A woman on TikTok shared a video earlier this year about how she placed her boyfriend on a “performance improvement plan,” and the move reportedly turned their relationship around, but relationship experts are sounding alarms as the 58-second clip continues to get views.
Nadeen Hui, a San Francisco-based TikTok user who appears to provide relationship commentary and tips, turned to the video-sharing app and said she successfully “PIP’d” her boyfriend, much like employers do before they consider terminating a worker.
“My boyfriend and I were having a lot of issues in the beginning,” Hui explained in her video. “Ultimately, I felt like we weren’t compatible even though we had a lot of love for each other, so as a last straw, we decided to do a performance improvement plan.”
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While Hui didn’t get specific about the issues she and her boyfriend faced, she said a lot of them happened because of lifestyle differences.
She told her TikTok followers that her boyfriend is an engineer and “he kind of liked” having documentation they could both look back on.
The performance improvement plan, according to Hui, involved sharing a note that listed daily and weekly tasks, notes on what her boyfriend needed to work on, an outline on the division of household chores and “weekly retrospectives” where they checked in on how they were doing.
In a follow-up TikTok video, Hui said their review period happened three months into their relationship, and now they’ve been together for three years.
Relationships experts are speaking out about “partner probation” after a TikTok user (not pictured) revealed to her followers that she placed her boyfriend on a PIP, which often stands for “performance improvement plan” in corporate work settings. (iStock)
Fox News Digital reached out to Hui for comment.
Hui’s “PiP’d my boyfriend” video has generated over 270,500 views, and relationship experts are divided on whether the term should be used in the dating world.
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Here’s what you should know about a relationship “performance improvement plan,” plus alternatives if putting a probationary period on paper doesn’t sound appealing.
Don’t make ‘partner probation’ a punishment
Lisa Lawless, a clinical psychotherapist who’s founder and CEO of Holistic Wisdom, Inc. in Bend, Oregon, told Fox News Digital that terms like “partner probation” don’t seem to have entered the dating world’s mainstream lexicon, but it could become more common if Hui’s video continues to go viral.
“Using this language can better assist people in understanding that their relationship is in jeopardy and determine what needs to change for it to continue,” she explained. “In couples counseling, this is simply known as a behavioral contract, where boundaries are created to achieve goals within the relationship.”
Setting up a relationship performance improvement plan could help a couple address issues they’re facing, according to Lawless.
Partner probation, also known as a relationship performance improvement plan, has benefits and detriments, according to experts. (iStock)
Outlining goals and partner responsibilities provide a sense of clarity, purpose and accountability, and it can help eliminate assumptions, said Lawless.
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“Remembering that successful relationships are built on mutual effort is important,” Lawless said. “To avoid an unhealthy power dynamic, both partners should communicate their needs and agree on what will improve their relationship.”
Ultimatums rarely work in relationships
Sarah Melancon, a Los Angeles-based certified sexologist and lead researcher for the Women’s Health Interactive, a relationship discussion website, doesn’t recommend partner probation tactics because it can be viewed as “infantilizing” and giving an “ultimatum.”
“Ultimatums are terrible for relationships, as they are based on one partner’s needs without consideration for the other, and create a one-up one-down power dynamic that is usually deadly for love and intimacy,” she explained.
Couples may need to consult relationship therapists or counselors if partner probation is on the table. (iStock)
Putting together a performance improvement plan for a romantic partner assumes the partner is the source of the problem, according to Melancon.
“This can absolutely be abused,” she said. “Healthy communication is a two-way street where both partners acknowledge their role in any issue – no matter how big or small – are honest about their wants and needs, and consciously help to fulfill their partner’s wants and needs.”
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Melancon suggest couples who are having a tough time to seek outside support, whether it be through education, therapy, learning new skills or treating past trauma and attachment issues.
Learn to speak up sooner
Emma Mankey Hidem, a dating coach from Washington, D.C. who runs The Sunnyside relationship coaching service and hosts the virtual “The Game Show of Love,” told Fox News Digital that the idea of partner probation could “seem like an attack.”
“I think that term grossly misrepresents the underlying concept of using communication to improve relationships, and it makes attempting to improve your relationship sound automatically punitive,” she said.
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While Hidem agrees that communication of “wants and needs” is important, she believes the formation of a formal performance improvement plan could make it easier for one party to shift blame on the other.
“To avoid an unhealthy power dynamic, both partners should communicate their needs and agree on what will improve their relationship.”
Instead, Hidem thinks couples should communicate without corporate jargon.
Relationship experts say romantic couples need to be able to speak to each other honestly and openly for long-term success. (iStock)
“Change is unlikely to just magically happen in any relationship – the person who desires the change has to make it known that a change is necessary,” she said.
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“So many divorces happen because one or both partners didn’t articulate their needs, and they ended up resentful and bitter,” Hidem continued. “But if you speak up, you find out if your partner is willing to make the change to meet your needs and the relationship can proceed or not proceed accordingly.”
Creating a relationship performance improvement plan requires a lot of work and effort from the probationary partner and managing partner. (iStock)
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Use ‘partner probation’ as a last resort
Avigail Lev, founder and director of the Bay Area CBT Center in San Francisco, which specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy, told Fox News Digital that taking a break from a relationship can be beneficial.
“It involves creating gradual steps rather than ending it permanently right away,” she continued. “If you’re going to do this behavior, you must first, be completely fed up with the relationship and seriously considering ending it.”
Partner probation might work for some couples, but relationship experts don’t recommend it for all. (iStock)
Strained couples should communicate the behavioral changes they wish to see in their partner throughout and by the end of the probationary period, whether it be a few weeks or months, according to Lev.
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Couples who deploy a partner probation system must “agree to how each partner will work on themselves” and disclose “what evidence” is needed “to show that change has occurred,” Lev said.
