A: Thank you for writing. I want you to know how much I appreciate grandparents writing in. Children are meant to be raised in a community of family members and other loving people, and I am always heartened when I see a grandparent write in.
As for your granddaughter, it must not feel good to watch her be unkind to her little sister. The difference in maturity is obvious and it is natural to feel like she should know better. This feeling of wanting her to take care of her little sister (rather than be unkind) is what developmental psychologist Gordon Neufeld refers to as the “alpha dynamic.” Similar to wolves or our other mammal counterparts, there is a natural inclination for an older child to take care of and protect younger children. When that alpha dynamic is out of balance, it results in bullying, unkindness and controlling behavior, which we see in children often. We also see it in adults; just look around at the adult bullies in your life!
When we see this type of behavior, our inclination is to “nip it in the bud” by saying: “Hey, knock it off! That’s not nice.” A natural sense of guilt may then occur and they might hug the younger child, apologize and not repeat the behavior. Perhaps you have corrected, lectured and punished your 11-year-old granddaughter’s behavior and, though it may pause for a moment, soon she’s right back at it. Do I have that right?
When you see this, the alpha is out of balance. This is not because your 11-year-old granddaughter wants to be mean to her little sister. Your older granddaughter feels out of control and has admitted to feeling jealous. She has an unmet need that results in this meanness. When you take on this viewpoint, you can start to treat her with more empathy, compassion and loving boundaries.
If you have lectured, punished or shamed her, I would stop. It isn’t working.
Also, I don’t recommend reading a book with her yet because I doubt that would land. If she even read a book about this, I’d guess she would either roll her eyes or nod and not take it in at all. Instead, I would begin with heavy-duty empathy. As the grandparent, you are in the prime position to come to her side and be a great listener. Because children with an alpha complex (bossy, mean, hard to reach) are allergic to coercion, you are going to practice making room for her big feelings. That could mean going on walks, sitting nearby or driving in the car. You can simply begin with, “It must really be hard having a little sister who is so much younger than you,” and see what happens. It may take time for her to soften, but we’re looking for your granddaughter to trust you and feel heard and seen. If she responds with a tirade of complaints, this is good! You want that frustration coming out, and on a trusted adult, not on a preschooler!
As you view your granddaughter as someone who needs support and you listen and help her, it’s appropriate to also create some rules with her about how she treats her sister. I often recommend the Ross Greene Collaborative and Proactive Solution method as the best way to come to a mutual decision that respects everyone’s needs. By using this method, you will learn more about the 11-year-old’s perspective, and you can create a plan that both considers it and keeps the 4-year-old out of emotional harm — mostly. It is typical for siblings to have ruptures, so you are not going for a zero sum struggle here.
Finally, the 11-year-old has told you that she’s jealous, so I would look into whether the 4-year-old is getting preferential treatment, more “isn’t she so cute” and the like. Your older granddaughter is entering prickly years and while she will seek more independence, every 11-year-old still wants to feel important, cherished and deeply loved. Become aware of who is getting attention and for what, and make the necessary changes. As for understanding more about girls and young women, I recommend everything by Lisa Damour, especially the book “Untangled.” Good luck!
