I love my family, but I deserve a break from being the hub of all responsibility. I don’t think one lousy hour a day — and not even on weekends — is too much to ask, but he does. I’m pretty introverted and the option to have time alone at home only came about in the last two years. Up until last summer when he and our kid went camping, I had never been on my own overnight in my own home in my entire life!
I’m finding alone time so restorative, but he seems determined to not understand that. Like, actively choosing not to on purpose. I’ve told him (with increasing frustration) that it’s not about him, but it sure is becoming just that! We’ve been talking to a therapist, but this particular thing is starting to really get to me that I’d like another perspective. I don’t think I’ve asked for anything excessive, but it’s becoming hard to cope with being treated like I’m the one being unreasonable.
Just An Hour: I also find alone time to be restorative, and there is something special about being alone in your own home rather than seeking solitude outside the house. You are certainly not asking too much. With that in mind, I wonder if your husband reacts this strongly to other kinds of requests, too.
You call yourself “the hub of all responsibility.” Have you hurt his feelings with this specific request, or does he get huffy whenever you ask him to take care of chores or run errands? Is he upset that you want alone time, or is he upset that you are asserting your needs? If the former, perhaps you can counterbalance the request for weekday alone time with a special activity you consciously do together on the weekends (coffee in the garden, walking the dog together, etc). If the latter, I hope that you two are addressing this larger problem in your therapy sessions.
You are a whole person with your own inner life, not an automaton, and you will have more love to give when you have a chance to cultivate your own inner resources. Good luck and don’t give up on this.
Just An Hour: It may be that your husband’s issue is being ordered to do something at a specific time. Have you asked why he walks the dog at a certain time? He may have his own schedule of activities and/or a reason to walk the dog at that time. Have you tried talking in general to find another time for your quiet time? If not, it’s not that he refuses to allow you alone time, just not at the particular time you’ve requested it.
Would setting up a space or part of space in the home as your sanctuary be helpful? You could use that space as an escape without asking anyone to leave the house. Alternatively, is there an activity you could start participating in outside of the house? Could you make time to take a walk by yourself or spend some time in a quiet place like a library?
I say all this as an introverted wife of a very extroverted husband. We also have spent most of our time over the last decade plus together. I have found setting up a comfy recliner in my home office with some of my favorite relaxing things has been a great way to relax and unwind away from my husband.
On another note, you sound overwhelmed by all of the demands at home. It may be helpful to have an honest conversation with your husband about the household responsibilities. He may think things are fine and evenly shared while you clearly don’t see it that way. Getting and staying on the same page with your spouse through regular open and honest conversation is the key to a happy marriage.
Just An Hour: I would advise thinking about the different facets of your hopes/expectations for your alone time, and decide which are the most important. For example: Is it most important that your alone time is in the house? Or that it’s every day? Or that it’s at 2:30 p.m.? In other words, figure out what is most important to you, and what you may be willing to sacrifice.
Maybe you can plan to stay home at a time when your husband would be out-and-about anyway. Or maybe your husband would be more willing to plan, say, one or two three-hour outings a week vs. leaving every day. If the early-afternoon timing is more important to you than being in the house, consider going to a coffee shop, yoga class, etc. solo, if that is accessible to you.
You mention needing a break from being the “hub of responsibility,” which, along with encouraging your husband to run errands while you are alone, suggests an underlying issue with division of labor. If this is the case, please consider the need for alone time and the need for your husband to pick up some slack to be separate issues (even if their solutions may be overlapping).
Finally, when opening these discussions with your husband/in therapy (kudos for speaking to a therapist!), consider assuaging his resentment or offense by framing your requests as what they are: Evidence that you care deeply about your marriage. Articulating your (most important) needs now, and being flexible with solutions, will help insure you against resentful feelings, and maintain a balanced relationship for years to come.
Every week, we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s installment here. New questions are typically posted on Fridays, with a Monday deadline for submissions. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for length and clarity.
