I later found out she made the same reports to my boss and several other co-workers. She’s never said anything to me, and I’m incredibly embarrassed about this at work. How do I let everyone know I’m okay? Do I have an obligation to confront this co-worker? I just found out about all this recently, but she apparently she reached out to my therapist last fall, and the reports at work are now months old.
Setting It Straight: I had a somewhat similar situation, except that I was the co-worker. I had concerns about a colleague’s mental health. I took those concerns to exactly one person, their boss, and said clearly that I was not an expert but it was something that might be worth investigating. I left it at that and never heard nor asked about it again. Let’s assume your co-worker is operating out of genuine concern. It’s not completely unreasonable to have spoken to one person, but she should not have gone beyond that.
You don’t have to confront her. In fact, I’d advise against that approach; it could easily go south. Assuming your boss is a decent person, I’d start there. Given that your boss has said nothing to you, it’s reasonable to guess that they have discounted the suggestions. You might say something like, “I just learned that Jodie expressed concerns about my health to you. I’m not sure exactly what she said, but I want you to know that I’m okay.” Let the boss take it from there; they may give you more context and discuss how to handle it. I think it would be fine to say that the incident has embarrassed you now that you know about it, and (if true) that you have lost trust in the co-worker. Your boss may be unaware of the blabbing to other people and it might be appropriate for the boss to have a discussion with her about boundaries and confidentiality.
I think it’s good to remember that there are always people who will judge others, but their opinions reflect more on themselves than on you. Take pride in the fact that you’re taking care of yourself, and don’t let the gossips get you down.
Setting It Straight: How did she know you were in therapy, much less who your therapist is? If you have been sharing a lot of your personal life with a co-worker, she might feel tacitly invited to participate.
How did you find out that she was reporting to your boss and other co-workers? If it was hearsay, there isn’t much you can do. If your boss, co-workers, or therapist told you directly, you will need to deal with each person, and clear the air with the tattletale. Set boundaries, express your feelings, and stop providing any personal information for them to use or misuse.
Setting It Straight: Your concern seems to be setting the record straight (“How do I let everyone know I’m okay?”) but it really should be that you have a co-worker who crossed some serious boundaries and a therapist who didn’t tell you that a random person interfered with your therapy.
At work, you should go to HR and inform them about your co-worker’s invasion of privacy (communicating with your therapist) and divisive actions (speculating on your health to your bosses and co-workers). This co-worker created a hostile work environment, and the company should take appropriate action.
You may want to consider changing therapists. If my therapist received information like that I would expect them to tell me immediately and if they did not — or waited this long to do so — I’d fire them.
Setting It Straight: How strange that your co-worker didn’t talk to you herself if she had concerns about your well-being. The good news is if you’re really okay, your co-workers can probably see that. There’s no need to correct an impression they likely don’t have. It’s quite possible they perceived your co-worker’s comments as off-base and dismissed them at the time — to the detriment of her reputation, not yours.
As for your co-worker, you certainly don’t have an “obligation” to confront her. While it might have been a good idea to do so if you’d known at the time, now that several months have passed you risk turning this into a nasty workplace dispute. Instead, I suggest you report this series of incidents to your HR department to put it in the record; especially the call to your therapist (which your therapist could document in a letter). However, ask them not to pursue any action unless they hear of more such behavior. This would enable you to establish a pattern of workplace harassment, if that proves necessary. I hope it doesn’t.
Every week, we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s installment here. New questions are typically posted on Fridays, with a Monday deadline for submissions. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for length and clarity.
