We’re a biracial family ourselves and make a point of reading books that have protagonists of all skin tones. Her preschool is pretty diverse too. I don’t think there is a racial majority. But the kids she sometimes says are mean to her have the skin tone she makes statements about. (An example of mean: A little boy saying, “I have my cookie but you don’t,” as they wait for their teacher to pass out cookies.)
A: As long as children have been walking the Earth, I imagine they have noticed and spoken about the differences they see around them. When I was growing up, I was taught to “not see color” and “We are all the same,” which in hindsight, may not be as bad as overt racism, but is pretty darn close. Teaching children that what they see isn’t real or important not only minimizes others, but it keeps the larger culture (White) centered. So, well done on addressing it! No matter how uncomfortable it may make you, grappling with these conversations is the way forward for better race relations.
For more advice, I turned to Jennifer Noble, a clinical psychologist who specializes in children and adolescents/teens and multicultural community clinical psychology. The first point that I thought was worth noting was this: “It does not matter if the school is diverse or has more/less of a particular racial/ethnic group — all children are taught that people with darker skin colors are not desirable in various ways. It is a way that children in our American society (and many countries worldwide) are indirectly racially socialized.”
I highlight this because it is easy to assume that if parents choose a racially diverse school, we can skip the hard work of having difficult and awkward conversations with our children. This is not the case. No matter how many different skin tones are in your children’s class, parents have to actively break down the systems that are always subtly and overtly at work. Since America was founded, the darker the skin on the person, the more suspicion has followed them. It is so baked into our country that we don’t even see it happening. I find this parenting work to be both humbling and freeing: humbling because it shows how far we have to go, and freeing because it is a clear way forward.
Noble suggests dismantling racism through education and discussion and suggests parents read “Our Skin: A First Conversation About Race.” “It will give the opportunity to ask more questions about skin color and discuss racism in an age appropriate way,” she said. “You can help your daughter understand that boys being mean is not nice, but that boys are not mean because of their skin color. Your goal is to help your daughter separate behavior from skin color.”
By having a book to refer to, you give yourself an anchor, and having a discussion is an excellent time to show what close listening feels like. You’re not trying to talk your daughter out of mean vs. nice behavior. Rather, you’re discussing that there isn’t a correlation between mean actions and skin color.
Along these lines, keep the conversation going about what it means to be “mean” and help your daughter to develop skills to handle it. This is first done through close listening. As Noble suggests: “You’d want her to be able to still express her frustration with people who choose to be mean to her and others. Validate her statements with: ‘Oh, [boy’s name] was very mean and you didn’t like that! Ugh, I hate it when people are not kind! I would not want to play with people who are mean to me.’”
By validating and listening to your daughter, you help her trust her gut, while also pointing out instances that children with different skin tones are kind. It may feel like overkill, but values in families are taught in a number of ways: how we live, what we say, what we do, how we treat others and where we spend our money and time. Explicitly saying, ‘That boy with a darker skin color is sharing, isn’t he?’ points your daughter’s attention to where you want it, which is what Noble emphasizes. Your goal is to help your daughter separate behaviors from skin tone.
This is a lifelong conversation, and this is just the beginning. Take the pressure off being perfect or doing it all right, and just keep the communication going. Good luck!
