Before this sounds like a pile-on, I have nothing but empathy for parents who have found themselves in this quandary. No parent I’ve met has decided one day, “I’m going to create an unsustainable homework situation and micromanage my son!” No, habits like this are death by a thousand cuts and what starts with a little worksheet here and there turns into hours of whining, power struggles and exasperation.
How you should support your son depends on why he is so distracted. At first glance, it looks like a classic attention-deficit issue, but we don’t know. Anxiety can look like distractedness. A learning disability or difference can look like distractedness. Trauma and grief can look like distractedness. Essentially, the brain bounces around as soon as it isn’t sure what to do, and what can feel like a willpower issue is simply coping.
I would first sit down with his teachers to get an accurate picture of who your son is in the school setting. You should definitely let the teachers know about the struggles at home and ask them what they see at school. Second, if possible, ask the teachers for a reprieve from most to all homework. Whatever the homework is meant to do (reinforce skills, finish work from that day’s lessons) is not happening at home. Good teachers will see that your son needs a break and will help you create that plan. Third, as soon as you can, bring your son into the meetings with his teachers. While he may be struggling, he is certainly old enough to have a voice, opinions and needs. This may take some time but should be a goal.
After talking with his teachers, I am hopeful that a path forward will become a bit clearer. Maybe everything is “fine” and you need to simply break this habit and let him get on with it (which you need to do either way). Maybe your son needs testing to assess his learning style, as well as emotional needs. Maybe he needs a tutor or outside person so you can take the “mother/son” intensity out of the equation. Maybe your son needs an executive functioning coach, someone who can teach him tools so he can control his own time and attention. Maybe he needs more activities, fewer activities, more screen time, less screen time, more food, less food, more sleep or less sleep.
There are many factors that could contribute to your son’s distractedness and it would be easy to feel overwhelmed, but you have the most important partner when it come to solving this issue: your son. Because you’ve been micromanaging for so long, it may be hard to trust that your son is capable of being an agent of change in his own life, but any decisions must include him. The very essence of parenting is to help him mature to his fullest potential, which would necessitate bringing him into all the plans.
This may not be fast or easy, but it’s better to be slow and steady, repair your relationship with your son and let him find joy in learning again than it is to get him to produce or “do homework.” Remember, the goals are support, maturity and learning more about your son’s abilities. Get your own support team together and start now! Good luck.
