A mum desperately sought advice on how to tell her 30-year-old daughter that her brother is really her father.
The woman took to asking The Atlantic’s advice column for help in navigating her complicated family situation.
She explained that her husband already had two children by the time she married him, and had undergone a vasectomy before they met.
However, the couple then decided they wanted to have a child of their own, but did not want to use a sperm bank.
So they approached her husband’s son and asked if he would be the donor.
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She said: “We felt that was the best decision: Our child would have my husband’s genes, and we knew my stepson’s health, personality, and intelligence.”
Thirty years on, the couple feels “anxious, confused, and worried” about explaining the circumstances to their daughter.
She added: “How do we tell her that her “father” is her grandfather, her “brother” is her father, her “sister” is her aunt, and her “nephew” is her half-brother?
“This is also hard on my husband, because he wants our daughter to know that he will always and forever be her father.”
Responding to the plea for help, qualified psychologist Lori Gottlieb told the woman she needs to keep in mind that her daughter would need to come to terms with two fundamental facts.
Firstly that her brother is father, and secondly that the people she believed were her parents had deceived her for thirty years.
But, Gottlieb made it a point to commend the woman and her husband on their willingness to now reveal the truth.
She told the woman the best approach would be to apologise and take full responsibility for not telling her the truth from the beginning.
“Don’t make excuses or ask for her understanding; tell her you can imagine how shocking this must be, and that you feel terrible for denying her the right to know where she comes from and who she is,” Gottlieb said.
“Make sure to communicate that you’re aware that you betrayed her trust, and that it might take some time to rebuild.”
The pyschologist concluded by saying that revealing the long-held family secret would in turn help everyone feel less anxious about the situation, and that we owe honesty to the people we love.
