I thought I processed this news fine, but I realize now that I’m still FURIOUS with my mother for dumping this on me. I was always closer to my father than to my mother, and I think she did this to make me love her more. She’s now 83 and starting to lose her memories (in age-appropriate ways, not in major-dementia ways).
Is it worth it for me to hash this out with her? What could I gain — aside from telling her she hurt me? Should I talk to my own support network and let it go with my mother? Should I tell my brother?
Let It Go?: You ask a good question about what could you gain by doing any of the things you propose. I’d also ask myself: What would satisfy me if I did any of those things?
Say you hash it out with your mom after all this time. If she apologized for burdening you, would that make you feel better about what she said and what you’ve learned about your father? What if she didn’t? What if she says something like, “Your dad wasn’t the saint you thought he was, and I thought you should know it.” How would that make you feel? Only you can speculate how she’d respond to you raising it again; the resolution might not improve how you feel now.
I’m assuming the topic hasn’t come up with her in the past four-and-a-half years. That’s a long time to carry it with you and risks overshadowing the time you have left with her. If it were me, I’d talk to a good therapist about it and try to find ways to let it go. I’d also look for ways to forgive your mom and your dad. The why she said it isn’t as important as the fact that she did, so you need to find a way to release your anger at both of your parents. Your brother doesn’t need to share your burden, so I’d leave him out of it.
It’s very hard to learn our parents aren’t who we idealized them to be. Big hug to you.
Let It Go?: This situation may be a lot more complex than it seems. On one hand, your mother’s motivations might be exactly as you say. On the other, she might’ve been reaching out after decades of silence, trying to be heard. It’s possible she stayed quiet all those years to protect many people — you among them — at her own expense.
It’s possible she wished to be seen and understood. You don’t say whether she spoke about your father with rage or forgiveness. Maybe she was attempting to welcome you into a less black-and-white view of the world: one in which affairs happen, people can be forgiven, and we move on. It seems there’s a lot you might learn here if you take some time to ask some questions of yourself, and possibly also of her. (Is it possible the person who bullied you long ago did so because of their own pain over the parental affair?)
Unless you need to talk to your brother for emotional support, perhaps hold off on that. Get yourself some good therapy, talk through what this means to you and why, and then reach out to your mother for further conversation if that feels right. This might be an opening into a different kind of relationship with her, but right now your emotions are understandably too strong for you to gauge any of that.
Let It Go?: I heard similar “bad news” about my dad after his death from my mother. That it was indeed news to me meant that she had kept her own counsel about these really hurtful things all these years, until he was several years gone.
My dad tended to use every molecule of oxygen in any room, and I think none of her kids realized how lonely she was, how disciplined she was for the sake of her family, and how much she suffered while putting on a very brave and cheerful face.
Have mercy. Your mom may need your understanding, at long last, of her life, her struggles, and her heroism.
Every week, we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s installment here. New questions are typically posted on Fridays, with a Monday deadline for submissions. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for length and clarity.
