Eight, or perhaps nine, people talking at once is a brawl, not a debate. In such a situation, Miss Manners would be looking for an exit from the room, not just the topic.
But your lighthearted tone — and your preference for the word “radical” over alternatives such as “traditional” or “progressive” — makes her wonder how we arrived at this point.
The best way to discourage rudeness is to be polite oneself, which means using respect and restraint when disagreeing. And, sometimes, changing the subject.
Dear Miss Manners: Before the pandemic, for many years, I had a party in the spring with up to 30 people. Because I was at risk for covid (and now am immunocompromised), there has been no party for the past three years.
This spring, I plan to invite 10 to 12 people — those most likely to be following covid-safe practices — and ask that they test before attending. If the weather cooperates, we can be outdoors, but I can’t rely on that.
What do I tell my (former) regulars who don’t make the cut, so they don’t feel hurt? If they ask whether I’m having the party, how should I respond?
“No, I’m not still having that annual party. I stopped with the pandemic, and at this point don’t intend to restart.”
Which, Miss Manners adds, is where your explanation needs to stop. Only if specifically asked about the new party can you look confused and say: “That? Oh, that’s not the same party.” Which it isn’t.
Dear Miss Manners: When my friend and I shared a hotel room at an event, we split the cost. At the hotel restaurant one evening, my friend found an unknown object in her food. At checkout, the hotel credited our room $100 for the mishap, and I split the discount between the two of us.
The next day, she called to say that because the $100 credit was to her, we should not have split it and that I owed her $50. I sent her a check, but she still said she was surprised that I even tried splitting it.
Although technically the $100 refund was hers, had the situation been reversed, I would have handled it that way, because we are good friends and were splitting the room cost. Was I rude to have assumed she should have split the difference?
If your friend had ordered champagne and room service while you had toast and a cup of tea, would you have split that bill? If so, Miss Manners will allow that this was an honest misunderstanding between friends that was cleared up when you paid up.
New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.
