My husband still wants to socialize with them; I don’t. If I do see them, I’d like to say “I told you so,” then ask why they excused his behavior for so long and how they reconcile that with their regular church attendance. I’m unreligious and find them to be hypocrites.
The moral question of whether their behavior can be forgiven is outside the purview of etiquette, but your proposed solution is not. If you have decided to end the friendship, then your sweeping denunciation of religion will certainly accomplish that — though not, Miss Manners need hardly say, with etiquette’s approval.
Dear Miss Manners: I am a woman working in a predominantly male field, with my company’s workforce at approximately 15 percent female. Over the past 17 years of my employment, whenever a female co-worker is pregnant, we usually do a baby shower, whether at the workplace or sponsored by someone in their home. I have personally hosted four in my home.
A close work friend asked me whether I would help her throw such a baby shower for another co-worker. We issued invitations to all of our female colleagues (30-plus people), but to our dismay, we had only four people accept. Including the hosts and guest of honor, the shower ended up being a total of eight people.
I sponsored the gathering at my home and spent a lot of money — on food, decorations, cake, prizes, gifts, etc. — because I felt bad about the low attendance and worried the party would be disappointing to the mother-to-be.
The following Monday, I was in the mail room and learned that the reason nobody attended was because there had already been a shower for this co-worker a few weeks before ours, and they all attended that one.
I was speechless. Not only did my friend and I not make the cut for the first shower, but the mother-to-be also allowed us to throw her a second one. I am furious. Any thoughts on how to handle this?
At this point, little good will come of trying to determine whether your co-worker actively took advantage of you, or whether she was paralyzed by embarrassment when she realized you did not know about the first shower — then compounded her initial misstep.
True, punishing pregnant people does not appear to be going out of fashion, but Miss Manners recommends a more professional approach. Next time someone at the office is expecting, say: “That’s wonderful! I’m so happy for them. But perhaps it’s past time for us to leave baby showers to family and friends, where they belong.”
New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.
