A: This is a loaded question if ever there was one. When it comes to American parenting, this issue is sticky, because we have so many different types of families, cultures, faiths and traditions, which means there is no one way to “respect your elders.”
Think about different cultures (Asian, Black, Latino and Hispanic, Italian and more), and you will probably notice a tradition of taking care of older family members, especially by the women in the family. Generally speaking, families have long been patriarchal and have had deep respect for their elders.
As you are noticing, children now “seem to feel entitled to talk back, argue” and “not listen to authority,” and I’m glad you used the word authority. There are generally considered to be four types of parenting: authoritative, authoritarian, permissive and neglectful. (Developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind at the University of California at Berkeley coined three in the 1960s, while Stanford researchers Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin refined the model and added one in the 1980s.)
Permissive and neglectful are the easiest to understand: Permissive is where parents place few boundaries and cave on the ones they make, leaving children insecure and falsely powerful, while neglectful largely leaves children to raise themselves, leaving them panicked, anxious and avoidant. (Interestingly enough, children of permissive parents tend to have the worst outcomes, but that is another column.)
Authoritative parents have high standards but are patient and warm, and they promote open discussions with their children. Authoritative parents are not afraid to listen to their children, and they will not use coercion or manipulation to address behaviors. Children of authoritative parents are more independent and securely attached, and they typically have fewer mental health issues. They usually also have good relationships with their peers, parents and, yes, their elders.
Authoritarian parents (whom it sounds as if you may be accustomed to) have high expectations and demands. Simply put, they are the quintessential “because I said so” parents. Authoritarian parents use stern discipline and harsh punishments, and they will try to control behavior through manipulation, coercion and domineering methods. For many, this may sound like a decent parent, but children of these parents tend to be unhappy, less independent and more insecure, and they tend to have more temper tantrums, more behavioral issues and worse coping skills.
Authoritarian parenting may look good and may even do some good for their children in the short term, but for many children of these families, the outcomes are disastrous. You may have grown up to “respect” your elders, but just as women were second-class citizens for time eternal and finally found their way to voting, working and more, children were also second-class citizens and are now gaining the same rights to basic human dignity (which, I would argue, does not happen in authoritarian parenting). In many families, this shift is dramatic and feels scary, and I don’t blame you for feeling confused and annoyed by it. But know this: Parenting culture is moving toward greater respect for all while still caring for and revering our elders. Both can be true. And in this way, the requisite humbling and disrespecting of young people can be replaced with gentleness, clear boundaries and compassion.
I would invite you to see this pushback as an opportunity to engage with young people. You can certainly challenge them on tone and language, but stay curious rather than insulted, and see what you can learn from them. That kind of behavior will gain you the reverence and respect you believe you deserve.
