Things moved really fast, he was my first and I fell hard. My friends started telling me there was something wrong since we never went to his place or met any of his friends. I knew they were wrong and Googled his name to prove it. They were right; he lied about everything. His real Instagram — he used a fake one with me — had a woman and baby as his profile pic. The account was private, but I found his wife’s name and her account was public with lots of pictures of them and their baby.
I was so so angry. I screenshot all our text messages and the pictures he sent me and anonymously sent them to his wife and told her all about us. She didn’t respond, but later she posted a story explaining how she was going through a divorce, and it was devastating.
I feel so guilty and I can’t tell anyone what I did. I’m too ashamed. I should have left her alone; she didn’t do anything to me. She was happy with her adorable baby and her husband. I should have just blocked him and moved on. What do I do now?
Guilty Snitch: I’ll surprise you first by saying, I’m sorry that you find yourself in this position. The guilt of having acted on impulse with devastating consequences is real and tough to bear. I’m afraid though that the work is now on your side. There is no apology or act that could make this broken woman feel better. It is eminently clear that she isn’t interested in a discussion or she would have responded to your message.
And as an (unwitting) affair partner, you should not have further contact with him. Even marriages at this point are salvaged, you can’t know what is really going on with them based on her Instagram posts. So the only gift you can give these people now, and in particular the woman you devastated, is to leave them alone.
Block him, and her, so you cannot see them anymore and so they will not accidentally come across you again. Then you should seek therapy for yourself at once. We all have crazy impulses sometimes, but we can learn not to act on them. And yes, you are going to need to deal with your justified guilt in this situation. I have been in the middle of a situation like this myself; it is explosive and awful.
You have to find the self-compassion to forgive yourself. He was the cheater. You were just the messenger.
Guilty Snitch: I fell deeply in love with a guy long ago while living abroad. He was my first lover, and I was head over heels. We’d been living together a month when I accidentally learned he was planning his wedding to a woman back home. For weeks I toyed with calling and warning her that her fiance was a two-timing cheat, but realized I would be devastating an innocent party. And maybe he’d be faithful to her once married? So I let it, and him, go.
Years later a distant cousin told me she knew them, and he later publicly humiliated his wife by running off with another singer in the choir he directed. I was left pondering: Was I right to bite my tongue? Wasn’t ruining her wedding — however painful — better than her finding out years later who her husband really was?
Perhaps you have spared the woman you devastated, and her child, long years of trusting someone who didn’t deserve their trust; years she can now use to find a more worthy partner.
Yet even if that’s the happy outcome, I don’t think it spares you from confronting your own motives and malicious intent. That needs a hard, unsparing look from you. I don’t think you can “fix” it now. You can’t and shouldn’t seek her forgiveness. All you can do is vow never again to seek to wound an innocent party. When you are angry and vengeful, remember: You become the wolf you feed.
Guilty Snitch: You’re right that you had better options than to anonymously contact your lover’s wife. I wouldn’t recommend any further contact with either the man or the woman. You’re now living in a “shoulda/coulda” guilty place in your head that is the only thing you have control over.
One way to start to come to terms with a decision you painfully regret is to step back and observe it from a place of dispassion. Create a bit of space for yourself to look at all the unfolded events with less emotion. Do this by preparing ahead of time for those moments of angst. For example, make a mixtape that starts off matching your mood, then gradually step the music down to a place of calm. Use that calm period to examine what happened. You may find more compassion for yourself.
From my dispassionate distance, I believe this guy saw in you an attractive, perhaps vulnerable, woman to cheat on his wife and baby with. Ultimately, he blew up his marriage, not you. You may have had a role in revealing this particular infidelity, and you’ll have to reconcile that with yourself. But happy, shiny Instagram photos don’t make a happy family. The trouble was already there.
Every week, we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s installment here. New questions are typically posted on Fridays, with a Monday deadline for submissions. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for length and clarity.
