I think we should talk to her and maintain contact even if it’s not the “right” kind; my spouse thinks we will make fewer errors of omission and none of commission if we stay silent and let our daughter take the lead.
What do you think we should do during this stage of our relationship? I hope it’s just a stage.
Staged: It won’t be “just a stage” if you crowd her. She’s in college. Have fun, Sweetie.
You won’t make her want to communicate with you by making her communicate with you. The impulse to deny a request for space may come from love and concern, but it’s still a form of disrespect.
So start by reminding yourselves of the purpose of this “stage”: It’s hard to train your mind to hear your own voice when you’re so used to your parents’ positions on this, that and everything else. Your willingness not to call her could be the one thing that allows her to reason and mature her way back into your sphere of influence. Ironic, but there it is.
Short version: Back off. A lot. For a bit. Treat this like it’s pre-telecom-revolution times and she’s studying abroad. Treat this like she needs it. Because she needs it — and has the spine to say so.
You can apply the 1980s treatment to your side, too, and communicate with her via snail mail. Assuming she has a mailbox, much less checks it.
· Occasionally send letters or emails that are chatty, newsy and require no response. “We finally got the garage painted! Picture attached.” “We’re going to the orchard again this year to pick apples. We will be elbows deep in applesauce.” Just knowing she has a solid base that is still there but not demanding is the best gift of all.
· My mom’s care packages — a small box with a favorite treat, a coffee gift card, some fuzzy socks and a little note that said, “Just thinking of you. I put in a little extra candy for [Roommate]. I love you!” — went a LONG way toward making me feel loved and appreciated while still giving me space to become the person I needed to become on my own.
· Oh, God, “the ‘right’ kinds of questions” gave me a flashback to when I stormed out of Thanksgiving dinner my sophomore year of college because my dad asked me a question about … something? And I was/am really close with both parents. Sometimes teenagers are just brats.
· You’re in a no-win situation. Just send her chatty texts about something fun, so she knows you’re there.
· Quit asking about what’s going on in her life and instead find a neutral subject that you can re-bond over. (Trash TV does well for my daughter and me.) The relationship is becoming one of three equal adults, rather than supervisory parents and supervised child, so adjust accordingly.
· Texting a silly picture of the dog gets enough response from my son that I know he’s alive.
