They’re visiting us this week, and … I can’t stand him. He’s whiny, passive-aggressive, self-centered, expects her to solve problems of his own making … sigh. He may not be a brute, but I can see them starting a family in which he’s another child rather than a supportive husband.
When she asks for my opinion, I want to be helpful in telling her the red flags I see, but I don’t want to push her away. Help?
Finally Wiser: When she asks, respond: “I want to hear what you think.” It’s a pretty obvious device, but hold to it. Even acknowledge what you’re doing and how obvious it is. Explain it as something you’ve learned — that whatever you see in a friend’s or family member’s new partner is a lot more accurate once you get a chance to see the same things through your loved one’s eyes. Don’t budge. With any luck, she’ll be happy enough to talk about him that she won’t push you.
If she forces the issue, then proceed with extreme caution. “If you have concerns and want my view specifically, then please say so. Otherwise I’m just here for your happiness.” Again, it’s very transparent, but, “Here’s what I think: I’m concerned that he’s whiny, self-centered and passive-aggressive” is not something anyone is ready to hear, possibly even after they’ve just said to you, “I’m worried he’s whiny, self-centered and passive-aggressive. Have you noticed that?”
You got to your better place over those 15 years through trial, error and, I’m guessing, some healthy connections from which you could extrapolate lessons that you then applied toward healthier dating. Your sister may benefit from your wisdom, but to some extent will still have to go through her own years-long process. Maintaining a healthy relationship with her might be the most helpful thing you can do.
Good discussion from the gallery:
· How about giving the sister some credit for knowing her own boyfriend better than Wiser does? Some partners look ideal to the outside observer and are a terror at home, and some who lack social skills in public might be loving and supportive partners at home, one-on-one. If Wiser is right about him and the relationship fails, well, maybe that is a lesson the little sister needed to learn. All the more reason not to alienate her by judging her partner. Support her in her choices, and be there for her if it doesn’t work out.
· Instead of generalities, why don’t you pick out one specific instance that bothered you, and talk about that? “When we were X and he said/did Y, I wondered about that. What do you think about his reaction?”
· If you do decide to be upfront about your concerns, don’t say, “He’s passive-aggressive,” for example, but instead describe as objectively as possible an instance in which he exhibited the behavior. It will help her to not be as defensive and to possibly look at his behavior more objectively herself.
