Carolyn Hax: Husband shows zero tenderness for injured spouse

Adapted from an online discussion.

Hi Carolyn: So I broke my foot. I’m in a boot for 12 weeks, and I’m in Week 7. Not once has my husband asked me how my foot feels. Not once has he offered to help me with anything, such as bringing my nightly cup of tea to my chair, handing me my crutches, etc. I also had covid, and he never sat at my bed for even an instant or asked how I was feeling. He would come in our bedroom, say, “How you doin’?,” then barely did I get to respond before he’s closing the door.

Yet he hurt his finger and is losing his nail, and he won’t stop talking about how much it hurts. I give him sympathy, and I ask whether I can do anything to make it easier on him. He thanks me, and I’ll do whatever it is to make him more comfortable.

We split household chores and he knows I’m not generally a complainer. I just sometimes want a, “There, there,” and I can’t seem to get it, even when I ask. I’ve tried explaining to him how I feel, but he just tells me I’m too sensitive and a, “There, there,” isn’t going to make my foot heal sooner.

Is there a difference between empathy and sympathy, and am I missing something here? Am I asking too much? Is there a way to ask differently?

In a Boot: 1. Show him your question.

2. After he reads it, say, “I’m not asking you to heal my foot. I’m asking you to show you care.” Specifics optional: “Ideally the way I care for you, but I’ll accept whatever version you’ve got as long as it’s not a blank.”

3. “You’re too sensitive” is, as you know if you spend any time here, the battle hymn of the self-centered: “I can have needs, opinions and feelings. You can, too, but only if they don’t impinge on me.”

If there’s no degree of bluntness up to the task of enlightening him, then unfortunately your next decision starts with: My husband can’t/won’t see me as someone with feelings, or ones worth tending to. Now what?

Sorry about your … all of it.

Tell us: What’s your favorite Carolyn Hax wedding column?

Dear Carolyn: A couple of my closest friends missed mentioning my birthday this year. We’re usually pretty good about birthdays. I was a little sad, but it’s just a day.

I wouldn’t want to bring it up to them when it’s so small, especially in light of, well, everything these days. They might think they did something wrong.

I’m also not the best at social cues. Should I take this as evidence that we’re drifting apart and maybe expect less from them? How do you figure out where you stand without bean-counting?

Anonymous: It’s not that it’s small; it’s that it happened only once.

Maybe think of social cues like snow: Ignore flurries, but respond to accumulation.

In the meantime, see your disappointment as a sign that you miss their company, and take the initiative to see them. Not for your birthday, though; see them just because.

I also recommend — to anyone who cares about birthdays — that you plan your own celebrations. Easier than sitting at home, waiting to see who does what.