The burden of caring for our aunt falls completely on me now, and my half sister refuses to help. I am very resentful of having to carry this load by myself. My half sister has a big family on her mother’s side, with lots of support. I am basically by myself. How do I come to terms with having a sister who lives as if our father and his side of the family simply did not exist?
— The City of Dysfunction
The City of Dysfunction: I can sympathize with the strain you’re feeling.
However, you are asking your half sister to provide aid and comfort to a tormentor. (Gandhi- or MLK-like forbearance is something we ask of ourselves, not of others.) In fact, she could be as resentful of your helping someone who terrorized her family as you are of her unwillingness to pitch in.
If you plan another appeal, then acknowledge your half sister’s pain first and make it clear you would regard it as a show of support for you, not your aunt. Assure her you will understand if the answer is no. Asking, good; guilt-tripping, bad.
For the sake of your own peace of mind, I would also advise not looking over your shoulder at all the help you aren’t getting. Instead, concentrate on owning your decision to the best of your ability. If you aren’t up to providing the necessary care, then please tap local elder-care resources for help (there’s a locator at eldercare.acl.gov).
You made the choice necessary for your own peace of mind; please consider that your half sister did the same.
Hi, Carolyn: My partner and I live in a large co-op apartment building that employs a staff of about 10 guys. We’ve always made a point of tipping the staff at Christmas. Money is tight this year and we’re already discussing cutting back on the gift exchange with our families. We don’t want to stiff the building crew, especially since they really do an excellent job. At the same time, we’re going to end up spending more on their gifts than on our families’. I don’t doubt they could use the money as much as we could, but is there a less expensive way to show our appreciation without being stingy?
— Nuttin’ for Christmas
Nuttin’ for Christmas: When you go out to eat, I doubt you’ll ever leave a greeting card in lieu of a tip, just so you can afford dessert. You know the wait staff depends on tips. So conscience demands that you do the waiter test whenever you contemplate cutting back tips.
The other reason you wouldn’t blow off the wait staff is that tips aren’t gifts. They’re compensation — voluntary, but compensation nonetheless. If there’s a cultural expectation that a job well done will be rewarded with a tip, then I don’t think it’s fair to pull back on your compensation to the building staff just because it pinches you more than usual lately. The staff, after all, is still holding up its end of the bargain.
Finally, if you cut back on staff tips the way you never would in a restaurant, then you’re basing your calculations not on the quality of service in your building or even on your priorities, but on what you feel you can get away with.
In other words, unless it’s impossible, please give the 10 guys what you believe they have earned. As the Whos down in Whoville remind us every year, even canceling the family gift exchange wouldn’t mean you were canceling Christmas.
Dear Carolyn: I am generally happy with my life (work, home, pets, family, friends), but every now and then I wonder when I will get married — when will it be my turn? Many friends are getting hitched, and I feel left behind. I’m 31. Sometimes it bothers me and sometimes I couldn’t care less. Is this a natural reaction as we grow older and seek companionship?
WDC: I think this is a natural reaction as we are surrounded by friends getting hitched. If everybody who walked by you were eating a cupcake, even if you didn’t want one yourself just then, you’d wonder why everyone had one but you.
But while peer frenzies are common, they also tend to separate us from our better judgment. Summon a little extra willpower to help keep you focused on doing what’s right for you, and one day you’ll realize you haven’t noticed anyone with a cupcake recently. (They need both hands to push the stroller.)
