My ex has had a girlfriend for about a year. She is nice to our kids, and my ex is always less antagonistic when he has a girlfriend, so naturally I’m supportive.
I shared our youngest son’s birthday wish list, and my ex’s girlfriend bought everything on it.
I have a lot of emotions about this, not all of which I’m proud of. I’m flabbergasted at the display of wealth and stressed that I have no idea what to tell relatives to get our son for Christmas. I’m jealous that she can spend 10 times what I spent on my son (I’m a teacher), and I’m worried that she’s luring him to visit them more often, because he will be spoiled there. I’m angry that my ex would allow this and bitter that my mom seems to have been right: that my ex wanted a sugar mama.
If I say anything, my ex will call me a control freak. I haven’t said a word to my son beyond being excited with him about his gifts. Do I say anything? How? Or do I just not share the whole list next time?
Not the Sugar Mama: Well, yes, don’t share the whole list next time. Or put some things for yourself on it.
As for the stuff — the emotional stuff, not material — it can help to untangle and file it in categories.
I’ll start with logistical, because the more we can justify putting there, the better:
· The girlfriend might have seen it as a shopping list vs. a pick-just-one list. Don’t panic about ulterior motives until you have to.
· What to tell relatives to buy your son? By now you’ll have thought of something. We always do.
· Maybe your ex didn’t know she did this; maybe he allowed it just to stick it to you. Either way, you’re on to it now and have easy recourse, so cross it off the fret list.
· Maybe your mom was right about him! So, points to her; we can’t all be right about everybody. (Not even Mom.) Fortunately, it’s academic, because any parasitic tendencies he may have are largely no longer your problem.
· She makes him nicer. You’re right to prioritize that.
· You’re jealous. Okay. We won’t tell, especially because most of us covet sometimes (the girlfriend included, I’d guess), because someone always has something cooler. But not everyone chooses a noble vocation, as you did, knowing it would limit your cool-toy access. So have your wallow, then get your noble back on.
· You needn’t say anything to your son. This is between you and the couple, to whom you also needn’t say anything, and between you and yourself. (Always feel free to talk to yourself.)
· You say you raised your kids “not to be terribly materialistic,” which is really all you could do, so trust that. To the extent you can, at least, because you could have taught them frugality and produced backlash materialists, or spoiled them to the bejeezus and launched a generation of backlash eco-ascetic evangelists. All we can do is try.
And trust yourself, too. You’ve given your sons your presence, your time, your values, your example, your consistency and a circle of family and friends. If merch beats that, then I’ll rage with you this time next … decade. We’re all playing the long game here.
