Embarrassed: So how far back does this preoccupation with appearances date?
You’re not worried about him; you’re worried what he says about you. Ivy League. Overqualified. Embarrassed. Loving kids for what they do vs. who they are messes with kids’ motivation and self-image.
And hoo boy, did you just burn your friends — who qualify as well-meaning only with irony marks? Do you see them as so envious they’re beyond feeling sympathy?
This is a failure-to-launch issue on the surface, but I suspect underneath it’s about unhealthy family systems and dynamics. It’s a hard time to take this on — supply chain issues still haven’t resolved in the counseling industry — but start calling around for names of therapists, ideally who have a good reputation for family work (my resource page has ideas), and see whether you can get going on the underlying stuff.
As for your son, some sympathy and normalizing seem in order, and overdue. Let him know that you know it’s a really tough time to try to launch into adulthood — and that we all need do-overs sometimes. Tell him you’ll help, just ask.
Depression and “lack of ambition” and gaming all day can often be indistinguishable from each other to the naked eye, so be more mindful than mortified, please.
As for your friends, tell them he lost his job and he’s home for a while. If they can’t feel for him or for you, and if you can’t trust them to receive this news compassionately, then they’re not your friends. Plus, for practical reasons, letting your people know he’s looking for work is one of the better ways to activate a network.
· Consider having him evaluated for clinical depression, anxiety and/or autism spectrum disorder, in case he struggles with social interactions in a work environment. Sounds like he needs help.
· My young adult daughter (a very hard-working young millennial) recently said to me, “Why do people think you should WANT to work hard?” I think that applies to why would someone need to “have ambition.” That is an entirely different issue than needing to figure out how to have an adult life, but this parent has them confused, and this may be part of the problem.
· Your son sounds like me many years ago. Depressed and unhappily separated from a career and life I felt pushed into because I, in my parent’s eye, was so special, unique and talented that only the best would do. But I wanted a normal life, not a highflying one. My parent slowly cut the support line, which was — and I understood this at the time — the best thing, because it gave me a runway to start living the life I wanted and do quite successfully today.
There are very few jobs that any 25-year-old is “overqualified” for. Your presumption suggests he was, in your mind, too good for that work. That is nonsense and a form of pressuring him to live his life as you see fit. Ease up, and let him figure it out.
