I have spent my whole life afraid of standing up to my sibling, because I was sure I would get kicked out of the family for it, and now it looks as if that’s happening.
Should I say this to anyone? When I’ve complained in the past, I have always been gaslit.
— Causing Drama or Clearing the Air?
Causing Drama or Clearing the Air?: I am so sorry.
Maybe stop thinking about the family issue relative to the holiday. In fact, stop thinking of yourself relative to the holiday, or to your sibling, or the family. Maybe it’s time to be yourself on your own terms for a while. Catch your breath, and enjoy not having to think about how your choices affect your family or your standing within it.
In the immediate term, apply that by going somewhere cool while your family is gathering wherever. Be with others, be with you.
That can be tough to arrange over a family-centric holiday, but look around, and think creatively. Imagine yourself being asked to join another family’s celebration, then extend that grace to someone you think might need it as much as you do.
Beyond this one event: detach, repair, renew. As part of the “repair,” please explore counseling — which I mention with the usual caveat that it can still take time to find a therapist.
With a little mental distance from it all, and some investment in just being yourself and relishing your own company, you will probably gain some perspective. Apply that toward figuring out where you fit into your family — on your terms.
But that’s for later. For now, I think just recognize that you’re coming to a new battle in an old war, better equipped now but still exhausted from past battles, and grant yourself permission to get some rest. The battle will be there when you’re ready.
Assuming you still even want to fight it; perspective can do magical things.
· Consider your family is acting this way not because you’re “disposable,” but because they, too, fear the consequences if they stand up to your sibling. Plus, you’re forcing them to face things they perhaps don’t want to face.
· To Carolyn’s point about imagining yourself taking someone else in: Also try to do it for yourself. What would make you happy, what would give you comfort during the holidays, and is there some aspect of that you can give to yourself?
· I was once notified by Sibling A that I was not invited to Sibling B’s wedding, because, “We knew you wouldn’t come.” In a voice mail. I recommend therapy to recognize your goodness and worthiness and to free you up to create a Family of Your Own: people who love and value you. Good luck; I’m cheering for you.
· One solution is to ask outright, “Am I invited or not?” When they say they don’t think you’ll come, say: “That wasn’t what I asked. Am I welcome or no?” Then make the decision you want, but don’t get suckered into feeling like the bad guy because they decided for you, then blamed you for it.
