As an introvert, Kim is uncomfortable going places alone and most of her friends live an hour away. She used to go to the gym with her previous roommate, who was an excellent cook and frequently made healthy meals for them both. Since her current roomie is rarely home, Kim’s routine has settled into long workdays, followed by evenings online. Because she is too tired to cook, she relies on high-carb prepared foods with little nutritional value. I realize she’s an adult and advice from mom about body appearance might seem shallow and judgy. She expressed a desire to see a therapist last year, but due to her tendency to procrastinate and the challenge of finding a provider, she has not pursued it. I am very concerned about the long-term impact on her health and would like her to see a doctor. Should I say something or stay out of it?
Concerned Mom: You love your daughter, right?
Of course you do! That question was (hopefully) rhetorical. I think it’s important, though, to sometimes still ask ourselves that when thinking about our loved ones. Because loving someone doesn’t always equate to loving behavior, and the question can serve as an anchor — which is what you need right now.
Your daughter experienced a period of unusual stress, and her body reacted to it in a usual way. But instead of her mental health and emotional well-being being your primary concerns about her, you seem to be mostly worried about aesthetics. So concerned with how she looks that you dismissed her and jumped straight to diet and exercise. The implicit message is clear: “Your laziness is making you ugly.” Maybe that’s not what you’re saying. But I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s what she’s hearing.
Of course, you should be concerned if your daughter is developing what you believe to be unhealthy habits, but I want you to be honest. Would you be as concerned with her “habits” and her “health” and even her introversion if she hadn’t started to gain weight? Are you worried about her actual health, or just how effectively she models the veneer of healthiness? (Which, for many young women, usually just means “Is she thin?”)
I do think you should say something, and it should be something like “You have plans for next weekend? Asking because I know you’re into Monster Truck Rallies, and there’s one at the convention center. Thought it would be cool to go. I’ll get tickets.”
Monster Truck rallies might not be her jam. It could be thrift shopping or cow tipping or whatever. My point is that your child has expressed that she’s experiencing stress so severe that it’s impacting her body. This isn’t the time for “shallow and judgy” comments about her appearance, because it’s never the time for that. Instead, help her alleviate some stress and experience some joy. Maybe this is a transitional period for you as a parent, where you become more of an ear than a voice in her life. And yes, I think seeing a doctor would be extremely helpful for her. But there’s a vast difference between urging her to do it because she can’t fit her old jeans, and suggesting it while she’s confiding in you about her stress.
