Ask Amy: My adult daughter still doesn’t know I’m not her biological dad

Dear Amy: My wife and I have been married for 57 years. We love each other very much and demonstrate this every day. We have a daughter and a son in their 50s. Both are very successful. Our son has three adult children, and our daughter is single without children.

I am not my daughter’s biological father. My wife and I have known each other since childhood and dated after high school. My job took me to another state for about a year. I returned home to a pregnant girlfriend.

I loved her so much that I never asked one question about the affair, and I can honestly say that I never cared or thought about it. We have had a fantastic marriage. We love our daughter dearly, and she and I have a great relationship!

These days, there is strong encouragement to do DNA and family research testing by you and others in the media. Every time I think about it, I get sick to my stomach. I am so afraid that if my daughter found out that I am not her biological dad, it would destroy her. I have actually cried about it.

Once I start thinking about this, I can’t fall asleep at night. All the questions that I never asked keep coming up. Who was the guy, did I know him, was it more than one time, what did he look like, etc.?

I sincerely don’t know what to do. Do I talk to my wife? Do I just keep this to myself, as I have for 56 years? Do I just live out the 10 or 15 years that I have left and hope that I don’t have to face this?

Worrier: To clarify, I do not advocate that everyone should have their DNA tested. But I know that, for some people, this testing is necessary; for others, it is a gift providing clarity regarding parentage and answers to health concerns.

Other people just want to do it.

I do believe that people have the right to know the truth about their DNA, if they seek it. I see this as a basic human right to vital information about their own bodies. Your dilemma illustrates how painful the prospect of DNA disclosure can be.

I hope you will choose to talk to your wife right away, to see whether you can mutually arrive at a decision regarding your daughter. Your loving relationship should be expansive enough to handle having these conversations.

Your daughter may independently choose to have her DNA tested, and if so — at the very least you and your wife would be prepared to handle this in a way that reflects your positive family values. If you are wondering what is best for her, I sincerely believe that learning this from her parents (vs. from a testing company) would be best.

If you continue to struggle with this on your own, a counselor could help to guide this important conversation.

Dear Amy: Before I met my wife, I was with numerous other women. I knew that I wasn’t a sex addict, because sex wasn’t that important. What was important was the illusion, language and moves of romance.

Then I met my wife, and she became the object of my addiction.

Now I am retired and have a lot of time on my hands, while my wife has a busy social schedule. I like only pretty women. I should mention this is not an online behavior, but person-to-person contact.

Is it okay to get back into the chase if it doesn’t become sexual?

Romance Addict: You claim to be an addict. (I believe you.) I define addiction as behavior that interferes with your daily life and relationships.

Let’s reframe this by supposing that your addiction is to gambling, cigarettes or single-malt Scotch. You’ve been in recovery for many years but are now asking me whether it’s okay for you to reclaim your addiction.

Dude, no. No, it’s not.

I am not the person to ask, by the way. Your wife is. Perhaps you could reignite the romance flame with her.

Dear Amy: A letter written by “JN, MD” really resonated with me. Like this person, I am older, have underlying health problems and need to wear a mask when I’m in an indoor public space.

I appreciate your support for those of us who continue to wear masks.

Grateful: No one should question anyone for their choice to wear a mask.