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Greg Gutfeld: Aren't spies supposed to have secret identity, not identify openly as 18 different things?

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Too bad the Oscars were last week. Cuz the CIA could have gone home with more gold than William Devane.

Have you seen their latest recruitment video? It’s a gut-wrenching portrayal of one woman’s triumph over bigotry and injustice in a world filled with pain and confusion.

CIA Recruitment Video: I am a woman of color, I am a mom, I am a cisgender millennial who’s been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder,” she says, while dramatic string music plays in the background. “I am intersectional, but my existence is not a box-checking exercise.

Wait… Didn’t she just check every box? By the way, who actually says “I am intersectional.” I mean, besides my couch? Here’s more.

CIA Recruitment Video: I used to struggle w imposter syndrome but at 36 I refuse to internalize misguided patriarchal ideas of what a woman can or should be.// I am unapologetically me. I want you to be unapologetically you, whoever you are. 

Just what we wanted in a secret agent – one who blows their cover five seconds after meeting you. They’ve replaced CIA with TMI. Talk about oversharing. And how can this person go undercover? Aren’t spies supposed to have a secret identity, and not identify openly as 18 different things. Forget name, rank and serial number.

“Yes, my name is Susan Thomas, I am an art dealer traveling abroad. But really I’m a bisexual, non-binary gender studies graduate with student debt and childhood trauma who’s in the CIA – whoops, I should have left that part out. Now I have to kill you”

The whole point of being in the CIA, is not being true to our identity whether you’re Latin-x or Scottish. Especially if you’re Scottish. The bagpipes are a dead giveaway.

So I say, get over yourself. Or, “selves.” But sadly, wokeness is now how we do business – and even the CIA is in on it.

Man was I dumb. I thought that kind of p.c. bilge had an expiration date once you graduated – like playing hacky sack or listening to Cat Stevens. The understanding was that this stuff was worthless once you left college. I was wrong. The wokesters are now officially everywhere, drowning us with their box-checking vernacular.

Could you imagine being interrogated by a new age agent? Talk about torture.

“Ahmed, we saw you purchase the ingredients for the pipe bombs, you were obviously acting out against the racist, classist patriarchal colonizers trying to prevent you from being your best, most authentic self as a result of your lived experiences as a survivor of your chronic bed-wetting or as we call it, creative peeing. ”  

You’ll confess anything to stop them from droning on about themselves.

“Yes, yes, I had a bomb in my shoe! Please stop forcing me to list my favorite role models of color!”

So – I admit this is like shooting sustainably raised salmon in a barrel. This video is not exactly top secret. And this woman is serving her country – so good for her. Every blinking yahoo on planet earth can see how silly America’s premiere intelligence agency actually is. Even Twitter laughed. But not the CIA.

These videos came out of multiple meetings and strategy sessions. The fact they put this out there is kind of a huge blind spot. And spy agencies shouldn’t have blind spots. Like your dad getting an earring for his 50th birthday.

Maybe this video might even get people to join the CIA.  But me – this level of malarkey couldn’t get me to join an orgy. But maybe that’s the point. One more nonbinary intersectional type means one less angry white male like me, on staff – right, angry white male?

Tom Shillue as “Angry White Male”: How would I describe myself? A regular guy I guess. I like sports, I guess I like my job. Love my family. What’s this for the news? Because, I hate the news.

You gotta wonder what the world thinks of this. Our enemies are giggling, like Don Lemon on a bicycle. It’s the image I find humorous. Fact is we have foreign enemies who dream of nothing more than killing each one of us every day. I doubt that Oprah-level, university approved talking points about gender and race would scare them. 

CIA PUSHES BACK AFTER CRITICS SLAM NEW RECRUITMENT AD AS ‘EMBARRASSMENT,’ ‘WOKE PROPAGANDA’

And by the by, have you ever wondered what a politically-correct secret agent might look like? We already did.

Parody Trailer for New James Bond Film

Narrator: This Christmas, Bond is back like you’ve never see him before.

James Bond: You hungry? I had an extra one. 

Theif: You’re not going to hurt me?

Bond: Of course not. Violence is so uncivilized.

Narrator: It’s the same James Bond you know and love. Rewritten to please the most progressive, socially conscious moviegoer in 2018.

Bartender: What’ll it be sir? Let me guess. Martini, shaken not stirred?

Bond: Latte. Soy latte. Extra decaf.

Bartender: Extra decaf?

Bond: Are the beans sustainably sourced? I only drink organic farm-raised homegrown cruelty free coffee. 

Bartender: I have no idea.

Narrator: With intrigue and suspense.

Villain: Your move 007.

Bond: Is it? No seriously is it? I don’t know how to play this game. I saw a Ted Talk recently that competitive activities only encourage toxic masculinity and marginalize disenfranchised communities and to unjust hierarchical structures reinforced by a bigoted and corrupt system.

Villain: You’re bluffing. 

Bond: What’s a bluff?

Narrator: And it isn’t a Bond film without seduction.

Woman: Well James, I had a really lovely evening, care to come inside?

Bond: You know, I don’t appreciate the heteronormative assumptions in your proposition. It’s regressive anti-neofeminist rhetoric like that that perpetuates a patriarchal society of oppression and gender subjugation. Not the least of which I care to contribute to. 

Woman: You could’ve just said no.

Narrator: So get ready for the most politically correct secret agent of all time. No guns. No gambling. No girls. It’s James bond in, “The Spy who Consensually Agreed in Writing She Loved Me”

Bond: you must be Q

Doctor: It’s LGBTQ now

Bond: Cool.

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Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to reject virtue-signaling of all kinds. Good luck. This segment will self-destruct in five seconds.  

This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld’s opening monologue on the May 4, 2021 edition of “Gutfeld!”

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