Colleen Ballinger revealed in an emotional Instagram post that she feels like she’s ‘failing’ her newborn twins who are currently in the neonatal intensive care unit.
The 34-year-old YouTube personality — known widely as Miranda Sings — opened up about her current ‘heartbreak’ over the situation, less than a week after welcoming her babies six weeks early.
Ballinger gave birth to a boy and a girl who each weighed roughly 4lbs on Saturday November 6, following an emergency C-section.
Heartbreaking: Colleen Ballinger,34, revealed in an emotional Instagram post that she feels like she’s ‘failing’ her newborn twins who are currently in the neonatal intensive care unit, after giving birth to them six weeks early
Colleen penned a lengthy statement accompanied by two emotional images of her holding each baby separately in the hospital, as they were kept apart for health risk purposes.
She looked emotional while masked up and was even seen wiping away tears as she expressed how ‘hard’ the process was and how desperately she and husband Erik Stocklin, 39, wanted their babies home safe and healthy.
‘this is hard. There are no words to describe the heartbreak I feel when I have to leave my tiny babies at the hospital and go home without them,’ she began.
‘I cry myself to sleep wishing they were sleeping in their bassinets next to me. I cry when I see their tiny little bodies covered in cords and connected to machines. I cry when my boobs ache in the middle of the night and I have to pump in the dark alone instead of bond with my babies as I feed them.
‘I cry when I’m home because I feel guilty that I’m not with them making sure they know I love them and that I am their protector. We sit in their empty nursery when we come home without them and cry. This is hard.
Challenges: She penned a lengthy statement accompanied by two emotional images of her holding each baby separately in the hospital, as they were kept apart for health risk purposes
Grappling with pain: ‘It doesn’t stop my heart from breaking. It doesn’t make me feel like I’m not failing as their mama every time I leave them,’ she said in excerpt as she spoke about how badly she wanted her one week old twins home and healthy
‘People keep telling me that they are in the best place possible. that they are getting the best care in the world. that it will all be okay. that they will be home soon. that i should take this time to rest and recover.
‘I hear you, and I understand all that…but it doesn’t make the pain go away. It doesn’t stop my heart from breaking. It doesn’t make me feel like I’m not failing as their mama every time I leave them. This is hard.
‘I don’t know how long it will be until I get to bring my babies home, but I am so incredibly grateful that they are as healthy as they can be for their age. And I cant even begin to express my gratitude for the incredible NICU nurses that take such good care of all the tiny babies that need help,’ she continued to say.
Colleen then empathized with all NICU parents and said ‘I feel so connected to you because you are the only ones who understand this kind of heartache.’
Moment of reprieve: Hours after her initial post she revealed that she was able to hold both her babies at the same time and look into her daughter’s eyes for the first time, saying she felt like she could ‘breathe’ for the first time
She added: ‘So I will cry, my heart will break, I will hug my hubby and Flynn tighter, and then I will be strong for my little twins because they are being strong for me. this is hard. but it is temporary. we will be okay.’
Ballinger signed off, ‘I’m gonna go cuddle and kiss my little worm and my little ladybug now. can’t wait to bring my cutie bugs home!’
Hours after her initial post she revealed that she was able to hold both her babies at the same time and said it was the first time she felt like she could ‘breathe.’
‘Holding both my babies and staring into my daughter’s eyes was magical. It was the first time they got to cuddle since they were born. It was the first time my daughter stared at me and I could tell she knew who I was,’ she said with a relieved tone.
Colleen welcomed her twins via an emergency C-section nearly seven weeks ahead of schedule, as their due date was December 27.
Complications: Colleen welcomed twins via an emergency C-section nearly seven weeks ahead of schedule on November 6, and revealed on YouTube she had a dangerous umbilical cord complication called cord prolapse
Pregnancy: She had previously shared with her 7.1M followers that the gestation process had been marked by ‘a lot of really painful, draining, awful symptoms that never let up.’; pictured in photos halfway through her pregnancy
The baby boy came first at 11:42pm on November 6th, and the baby girl was born shortly thereafter at 11:46pm. They weighed in at4lbs 6oz and 4lbs 2 oz, respectively.
Revealing her pregnancy complications in a YouTube video about the birth, she revealed that she ‘had a dangerous umbilical cord complication called cord prolapse.’
Additionally she had kept her 7.1M followers abreast with her pregnancy woes saying that the gestation process had been marked by ‘a lot of really painful, draining, awful symptoms that never let up.’
She and husband Erik — who married in 2018 — also share a son Flynn, two. Colleen announced they were expecting twins in May following a miscarriage.
Family of five! She and husband Erik — who married in 2018 — also share a son Flynn, two and she announced they were expecting twins in May shortly after a miscarriage; pictured June 24